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| I’m the dirt bag
I’m the one that made you sad
I had every reason to be right
Now I’m the one that’s wrong
A greater one said,
“Love means never saying I’m sorry.”
Love is not a game.
So why do I play?
Why do I continue standing in the rain,
When sunshine is one apology away?
Did I go too far?
That’s my greatest fear.
Why is it so hard?
Always brought to tears.
My past haunts us both
Stressing every step forward
It is who I am, but not who WE are.
We are greater than great
A fact I know and see everyday
Times like these are blinding
Leading to false emotions
To be in your arms
To feel your warmth
It is all I need
This has been a long road for so few miles
Generations of lessons learned in days.
My life companion,
Given by God,
Our faith will keep us.
These times will pass.
It is in Him we will find our greatness
A constant reminder I see when I fail.
I love you
(michael bennett, 2009)
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| is it just me or everyone else that gets that inspired feeling after reading a great book. Its so crazy being in the mind of another person. I wish i could be able to create imagery like great writers do. The ability to intrigue and keep a reader's interest. Its so hard for me to concentrate and read a book it is rare that i actually finish one.
So i just finished reading this book called "just one look" a fiction. i dont know what i wanted to write here... but here i am writing.. it sucks not being able to collect thoughts and put them down when they seem so real and Great in my head. all lost now.
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| its been a hell of a couple months... good times, bad times, depressing, lonely, happy... sometimes i feel like im losing my mind and sometimes i feel like i couldn't be more sane. haha.
so as for the updating the blog, i don't really think ne one reads this so i don't spend too much time on it.
feels like a couple of years have passed since i was home last. time for me has been a funny thing.. lately i cant even tell you what month it is, much less what day. mission after mission... up all night one day, then up all day the next. no real sleep schedule so my body wont fall asleep when it needs to. its been extremely cold on our night missions... Ive been feeling really sick lately even though i have been taking alot of vitamins. most likely jus lack of sleep causing it. blah blah blah. more complaining... more whining.... good thing is though is that I am learning alot. I am so greatful for Tina, she has been a great support for me during the roughest of times. The care packages also help alot. not mainly whats inside them but jus to see stuff from home and that there are people there thinking of me.
yahoo news, nbc, cnn........
I hate how they have turned this war in the media as "bush's mistake" cause we now have a new president. maybe it was, but seriously... haha WE ARE STILL HERE!! and a mistake this big?! i dont think so. there are many other reasons we are here but most dont look good on the media or get viewers. BLAH!! I cant wait to get home. I cant wait to just sit and relax out of uniform and drink a beer and be with my love. soon! ive made it through half way. jus a lil more to go! <--thats me talking to myself..happens... well not much i can think of to write but the same old complaining bs that gets me nowhere but more depressed at the current situation. keep us in your prayers. we are still here and its still crappy...
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| So awhile back Tina and I were arguing quite a bit for a few days... Something I hate and cannot stand to do and it tears me apart for us to be angry at each other. so yeah. I did alot of thinking about it and trying to find ways to keep it from happening again and this is what i sort of came up with. its kind of rough but, eh..... its better than what i had. haha. I hope it helps. I know most people will read this and think DUH but thats easy to say from the outsiders perspective. I would like for people to read this with a humble heart and try to truly understand what i am trying to get across. I am very rusty in my writing but it is a start. here it goes
Ego’s control
Something inside feels unfinished.
It finds every wrong path out,
Threatening to destroy the world I love
It eats away at the most valuable,
As if seeking to ruin all that is good
my mind is a funny thing when it comes to problems. Not necessarily ALL problems but the personal ones. The BIG ones.
These are problems our sense of self righteousness is too scared to face so it puts the blame on everything else, taking it out on everything in its path. Maybe the paths are connected in some way but it never reaches the true cause much less a solution. It only creates a whole other level of issues masking the original problem as if to create a barrier to protect the self righteous mind. I speak of the self righteous mind as a third person being outside of the actual state of consciousness because it IS separate in a sense. It affects us mostly when we are unaware, when we fail to look at things logically and sensibly letting our mind play tricks on us emotionally and turning what could have been solved by a simple selfless act, into a huge argument that goes in many circles, spirals, figure eights, or whatever shape you might want to think. It’s amazing what our ego will do to protect itself. I used to think of myself as a humble person but an amazing woman has helped me realize that I am just as much a selfish asshole as the other guy. I just hide it better than he does. I know I’m not the only one. Everyone deals with this on their own level if at all. Some better than others. It’s only after the drama and destruction's aftermath that I realize a little humbleness could have gone a really long way. This sounds like a huge deal and it is! Unchecked it destroys marriages, lives, friendships, careers, and even parenting. It is something that affects us every day. We as a whole society have failed in humble communication. We are so worried about how we look in other people’s eyes and perspectives and even how we look at ourselves. We refuse to accept the fact that there may really be something wrong with ourselves. I mean, holy crap!! There could be something wrong with me and it’s not EVERYONE else’s fault!?!? What I say is not unfamiliar to us. I have heard this many times in church and my elders that have counseled me. The knowledge is there but again we are so afraid that maybe the ego’s view of itself is wrong we block it out the easiest way we can. "I’m ok; it’s just everyone else that just doesn’t understand me." Our ego convinces ourselves we are better than that and we look at ourselves in some sort of illusion. The sooner we embrace and understand our selfish human nature that controls us more than we would like to admit, the sooner we will be able to become true humble selfless people that can truly love and care for our families, friends, and significant others. I’m not saying we don’t know this already but there is a problem with that the ego likes to take control when we are at our ends, backed into a corner and only make things worse. There is always room for improvement and god knows we as Americans need a little humbling lately. My analysis and meditation over this can only be concluded in one solution that is one of the hardest things we deal with.
Communication
Cliché? whatever, deal...
By communication I mean the true all out honest communication through love. Where one side talks and the other listen without thinking of an immediate defense or a quick self saving response. It is listening to someone talk and the other trying hard to relate, to truly understand, and being cooperative about the things realizing that we all have different ways of communicating our feelings. Since feelings are such a funny fickle thing with each person we have to be patient and not take things personal when someone is trying to communicate something with us. It’s a very hard thing to do and we can’t assume that we already know what the other person is talking about or thinking. None of us are mind readers and if you are please see me. I will give you everything I own to be able to hear what goes on in Tina’s head and even my own at times.
I kind of got off subject there but again, I see the best solution to our self righteous attitudes that constantly work in the backgrounds of our minds, is to humble ourselves and no matter how hard it is, face the REAL issues head on and quit placing the blame on everyone and everything else around us no matter how much easier it is to do. I see people reading this and thinking that I am full of crap or it doesn’t apply to them. This is exactly what I am talking about. That ego’s mindset that defends itself by blocking out what is right in front of you. Humble yourself and maybe you might see the cause of the majority of your problems is created by yourself. Not all, but most. I’m definitely guilty of this and I am in no way trying to call people out. This is what I have learned in this past week through many nights of no sleep sitting awake in bed thinking. There it is! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
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| so here i am in iraq! got my internet set up. really expensive per month but way worth it. makes me feel closer to home. I really miss my love. i miss her touch and her being by my side. Im so glad i finally made it here. Im no longer living out of a bag, i have my own space that consists of more than 3 sq ft. haha. i dont have to worry about bumping into the guy next me while im trying to change. weird.... ne ways. there is something very bothersom to me about not being able to organize my stuff and having a place for everything. living out of a bag is no fun and causes me anxiety. I didnt realize how much it affected me until i got here and put everything away and was able to sit down and relax and not have that anxious feeling lingering in the back of my head. so yeah.... enough about that. I will hopefully set up my skype account here with my own phone number!! hahaha. so people can call me!! yay. as long as im plugged in. it will be like having a land line in my room. ahhh the small things that make a soldier happy. well thats all for now. i will post more later when i get into more of a routine and not running around like crazy trying to get everything settled and organized. hasta luego all.
michael bennett
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